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I have a confession to make. I have always loved fairytales. Ever since I was a little girl I've loved listening to tales of pure Fantasy. I still catch myself daydreaming about fighting monsters, finding true love, and saving the world. I've always wanted that happy ending which always happens after the difficult parts in those old bedtime stories.
In a way, I guess my life is kind of like those stories from Grimm's fairy tales. It certainly is dramatic enough. For those of you who don't know, I'm pretty much an orphan. On December 24, 2004 (also known as Christmas eve) my parents and younger sister died in a car crash. We were driving down to Alexandria Virginia from our home in Sparta New Jersey. We were going to spend Christmas at my Aunt Sandra's house.
Little did we know that a man who was drunk and high would be driving a pick up truck which would collide head on with our minivan as we drove through Pennsylvania. I was the only survivor. This occurred two days after my twelfth birthday and I was whisked off to live with Aunt Sandra as was designated in my parents will.
This was the beginning of the truly difficult part of my story.
An interesting thing is that I love to shove my emotions down. If it's too painful, I don't want to deal with it. This is pretty much how I got by in middle school. I would go for days ignoring any thoughts or feelings concerning my family's untimely demise. I wanted to be normal so I acted like nothing ever happened.
That all changed when High school came around. I'm going to admit right now that I had this grand fantasy vision of what high school would be like. Before freshmen year started I envisioned that I was going to be popular and go to wild parties. I was also going find that perfect boyfriend and life would be full of nothing but bliss. After all, I had already been through the worse possible situation and deserved happiness to come to me right?
I've always found it hard to connect with other people and high school didn't change that. I also found it extremely hard to find someone to talk to about my loss because it seemed to me that no one would understand. It didn't take long for me to isolate myself with my negative thoughts.
By the times sophomore year rolled around, I was having the second most horrible time of my life. Remember how I suppressed my grief throughout middle school? Well shortly after I turned 16 they started to bubble back up again and it became harder and harder to ignore them.
I felt scared, isolated, and alone. I wondered just what was wrong with me. I wished that I was as "normal" and "carefree" as everyone else. I hated myself. I began not to eat and would cry myself to sleep every night. It even got to the point where I thought everyone's lives would be better if I simply didn't exist.
It wasn't until the summer between Sophomore and Junior year (when everything was at it's darkest) that my life began to turn around. I started opening up and sharing all of those feelings I had suppressed for so long. I also began to slowly but surely love myself. As the bridge to my favorite Celldweller song goes:
IF TIME'S A SONG I WON'T WAIT FOR IT'S REPRISE. I AM DONE WISHING FAREWELLS AND GOODBYES. I WON'T LET THIS PLACE OVERSHADOW MY BIRTHRIGHT. I WON'T WAIT ANOTHER EON!
I will admit that this all didn't just happen overnight. It took a couple of years to get where I am now, and it was worth it.
Fairy tales fail to teach us one thing, happiness does not magically happen. It's not that you go to bed miserable one day and wake up the next day with everything magically better. Happiness is something you have to work for. You have to chase after it. Sure you'll fall flat on your face sometimes, but then you pull yourself up by the bootstraps and keep on going.
Many of you may be wondering, just where was God during all of this? Well to answer this question I like to think of the story of Joseph from the book of Genesis. Yes, the same Joseph from Joseph and his amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. Even though God does not directly intervene in the story of Joseph, I believe that God was working behind the scenes making sure that everything would work out in the end.
Now it's time for my last few tidbits of wisdom. Do not suppress your emotions they'll just come back to haunt you when you least expect it. Also, happiness is a gift. You just have to choose to unwrap it first.
In a way, I guess my life is kind of like those stories from Grimm's fairy tales. It certainly is dramatic enough. For those of you who don't know, I'm pretty much an orphan. On December 24, 2004 (also known as Christmas eve) my parents and younger sister died in a car crash. We were driving down to Alexandria Virginia from our home in Sparta New Jersey. We were going to spend Christmas at my Aunt Sandra's house.
Little did we know that a man who was drunk and high would be driving a pick up truck which would collide head on with our minivan as we drove through Pennsylvania. I was the only survivor. This occurred two days after my twelfth birthday and I was whisked off to live with Aunt Sandra as was designated in my parents will.
This was the beginning of the truly difficult part of my story.
An interesting thing is that I love to shove my emotions down. If it's too painful, I don't want to deal with it. This is pretty much how I got by in middle school. I would go for days ignoring any thoughts or feelings concerning my family's untimely demise. I wanted to be normal so I acted like nothing ever happened.
That all changed when High school came around. I'm going to admit right now that I had this grand fantasy vision of what high school would be like. Before freshmen year started I envisioned that I was going to be popular and go to wild parties. I was also going find that perfect boyfriend and life would be full of nothing but bliss. After all, I had already been through the worse possible situation and deserved happiness to come to me right?
I've always found it hard to connect with other people and high school didn't change that. I also found it extremely hard to find someone to talk to about my loss because it seemed to me that no one would understand. It didn't take long for me to isolate myself with my negative thoughts.
By the times sophomore year rolled around, I was having the second most horrible time of my life. Remember how I suppressed my grief throughout middle school? Well shortly after I turned 16 they started to bubble back up again and it became harder and harder to ignore them.
I felt scared, isolated, and alone. I wondered just what was wrong with me. I wished that I was as "normal" and "carefree" as everyone else. I hated myself. I began not to eat and would cry myself to sleep every night. It even got to the point where I thought everyone's lives would be better if I simply didn't exist.
It wasn't until the summer between Sophomore and Junior year (when everything was at it's darkest) that my life began to turn around. I started opening up and sharing all of those feelings I had suppressed for so long. I also began to slowly but surely love myself. As the bridge to my favorite Celldweller song goes:
IF TIME'S A SONG I WON'T WAIT FOR IT'S REPRISE. I AM DONE WISHING FAREWELLS AND GOODBYES. I WON'T LET THIS PLACE OVERSHADOW MY BIRTHRIGHT. I WON'T WAIT ANOTHER EON!
I will admit that this all didn't just happen overnight. It took a couple of years to get where I am now, and it was worth it.
Fairy tales fail to teach us one thing, happiness does not magically happen. It's not that you go to bed miserable one day and wake up the next day with everything magically better. Happiness is something you have to work for. You have to chase after it. Sure you'll fall flat on your face sometimes, but then you pull yourself up by the bootstraps and keep on going.
Many of you may be wondering, just where was God during all of this? Well to answer this question I like to think of the story of Joseph from the book of Genesis. Yes, the same Joseph from Joseph and his amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. Even though God does not directly intervene in the story of Joseph, I believe that God was working behind the scenes making sure that everything would work out in the end.
Now it's time for my last few tidbits of wisdom. Do not suppress your emotions they'll just come back to haunt you when you least expect it. Also, happiness is a gift. You just have to choose to unwrap it first.
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Wish you were never born Wish you never came to be Wish you were never came around Wish you weren’t my father All you are is just a ghost In the backdrop. You sleep in a coffin Only to rise from the grave Looking for a fresh meal That was slaved over the stove. You may do minor work But that ain’t enough Ladies got the world on their shoulder While your scratching your ass in the corner. You are a poison That tries to kill slowly But I reject the cocktail Shoving it down your ungrateful throat As you choke on your toxic gunk Croaking like a frog with your hands on your neck. You don’t spare time With your loved ones Too focused on your reflection Thinking of yourself While the world burns behind you. Why were you even born? Why would your parents conceive you? Why did you bother having a family? How do you sleep at night? Do the universe a favor Throw yourself in a black hole Vanish into the void Be erased from reality Become nonexistent.
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My chapel talk which I presented to my school. I got a standing Ovation. The song is Eon by Celldweller.
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